20 Tips for More Efficient Google Searches

20 Tips for More Efficient Google Searches



For millions of people, Google is an indispensable search tool that they use every day, in all facets of their lives. From work or school, research, to looking up movies and celebrities to news and gossip, Google is the go-to search engine.



But instead of just typing in a phrase and wading through page after page of results, there are a number of ways to make your searches more efficient.



Some of these are obvious ones, that you probably know about. But others are lesser-known, and others are known but not often used. Use this guide to learn more about, or be reminded of, some of the best ways to get exactly what you're looking for, and quickly.



1. Either/or. Google normally searches for pages that contain all the words you type in the search box, but if you want pages that have one term or another (or both), use the OR operator -- or use the "|" symbol (pipe symbol) to save you a keystroke. [dumb | little | man]



2. Quotes. If you want to search for an exact phrase, use quotes. ["dumb little man"] will only find that exact phrase. [dumb "little man"] will find pages that contain the word dumb and the exact phrase "little man".



3. Not. If you don't want a term or phrase, use the "-" symbol. [-dumb little man] will return pages that contain "little" and "man" but that don't contain "dumb".



4. Similar terms. Use the "~" symbol to return similar terms. [~dumb little man -dumb] will get you pages that contain "funny little man" and "stupid little man" but not "dumb little man".



5. Wildcard. The "*" symbol is a wildcard. This is useful if you're trying to find the lyrics to a song, but can't remember the exact lyrics. [can't * me love lyrics] will return the Beatles song you're looking for. It's also useful for finding stuff only in certain domains, such as

educational information: ["dumb little man" research *.edu].



6. Advanced search. If you can't remember any of these operators, you can always use Google's advanced search.



7. Definitions. Use the "define:" operator to get a quick definition. [define:dumb] will give you a whole host of definitions from different sources, with links.



8. Calculator. One of the handiest uses of Google, type in a quick calculation in the search box and get an answer. It's faster than calling up your computer's calculator in most cases. Use the +, -, *, / symbols and parentheses to do a simple equation.



9. Numrange. This little-known feature searches for a range of numbers. For example, ["best books 2002..2007] will return lists of best books for each of the years from 2002 to 2007 (note the two periods between the two numbers).



10. Site-specific. Use the "site:" operator to search only within a certain website. [site:dumblittleman.com leo] will search for the term "leo" only within this blog.



11. Backlinks. The "link:" operator will find pages that link to a specific URL. You can use this not only for a main URL but even to a specific page. Not all links to an URL are listed, however.



12. Vertical search. Instead of searching for a term across all pages on the web, search within a specialized field. Google has a number of specific searches, allowing you to search within blogs, news, books, and much more:



* Blog Search



* Book Search



* Scholar



* Catalogs



* Code Search



* Directory



* Finance



* Images



* Local/Maps



* News



* Patent Search



* Product Search



* Video





13. Movies. Use the "movie:" operator to search for a movie title along with either a zip code or U.S. city and state to get a list of movie theaters in the area and show times.



14. Music. The "music:" operator returns content related to music only.



15. Unit converter. Use Google for a quick conversion, from yards to meters for example, or different currency: [12 meters in yards]



16. Types of numbers: Google algorithms can recognize patterns in numbers you enter, so you can search for:



* Telephone area codes



* Vehicle ID number (US only)



* Federal Communications Commission (FCC) equipment numbers (US only)



* UPC codes



* Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) airplane registration number (US only)



* Patent numbers (US only)



* Even stock quotes (using the stock symbol) or a weather forecast regarding the next five days





17. File types. If you just want to search for .PDF files, or Word documents, or Excel spreadsheets, for example, use the "filetype:" operator.



18. Location of term. By default, Google searches for your term throughout a web page. But if you just want it to search certain locations, you can use operators such as "inurl:", "intitle:", "intext:", and "inanchor:". Those search for a term only within the URL, the title,

the body text, and the anchor text (the text used to describe a link).



19. Cached pages. Looking for a version of a page the Google stores on its own servers? This can help with outdated or update pages. Use the "cached:" operator.



20. Answer to life, the universe, and everything. Search for that phrase, in lower case, and Google will give you the answer.



More info:

For more on Google's search syntax, see this guide, and this one.

101 Ways to use Cheats and Shortcuts with your Keyboard

Productivity Ninja: 101 Ways to Rock the Keyboard



If you use your computer a lot -- and let's face it, you do -- you've got to stop using the mouse if you want to be at all productive.



You know that. You use the common keyboard shortcuts. But are you maximizing your keyboard ninja skills? Rate yourself by seeing how many of the following 101 keyboard shortcuts you actually use.



100 points or higher is the Ninja rating. And yes, you'd have to use both the Mac and Windows OS's to get that rating. A true Ninja works independent of the OS.



Firefox



* Page down and up. Spacebar for page down, Shift-Spacebar for page up.

* Find. Ctrl+F, or Alt-N for find next.

* Bookmark page. Ctrl+D.

* Quick find. /.

* New tab. Ctrl+T.

* Go to search box. Ctrl+K.

* Go to address bar. Ctrl+L.

* Text size. Ctrl+= to increase text size and Ctrl+- to decrease text size.

* Close tab. Ctrl-W.

* Reload. F5.

* Go to home page. Alt-Home.

* Re-open closed tab. Ctrl+Shift+T.

* Keyword bookmarks. This is the most productive tip of all. If you go to a site a lot, bookmark it (of course), and then go to that bookmark's properties (right-click on it). Give it a short keyword in the keyword field, save, and from then on, you can just go to the address bar (Ctrl-L) and type that keyword to go to your site.



Gmail



* Compose. C.

* Reply. R.

* Reply all. A.

* Forward. F.

* Archive, and next. Y+O archives the current message and opens the next.

* Delete, and next. #+O (i.e. Shift-3 + O) to delete and then open the next message.

* Send. Tab-Enter to send a message after composing it.

* Search. /.

* Navigate. J and K to move up and down your list of messages.

* Conversation view. N and P to move to the next or previous messages in Conversation view.

* Mute. M will archive a conversation and make all future messages in that conversation skip your inbox.

* Select conversation. X will select and check a conversation so you can tag, archive or apply an action.

* Save draft. Control-S.

* Go to inbox. G+I.

* Go to Starred. G+S.

* Go to Contacts. G+C.



Google Reader



* Item up/down. J and K.

* Page up/down. Space or Shift-Space.

* Toggle star. S.

* Toggle share. Shift-S.

* Mark as read/unread. M.

* Open. V opens the current post in a new tab.

* Keyboard shortcuts. ? will bring up a help screen.



Windows



* Create application shortcuts. To create a keyboard shortcut to any application, right-click on the application's shortcut icon (such as those on your desktop), and enter a keyboard combination, such as Ctrl-Alt-W for MS Word.

* Toggle between apps. Alt-Tab until you land on the app you want, then let both keys up. Or hold down the Windows key and press Tab to cycle through taskbar buttons to get to your app, then press Enter. Adding the Shift key to either method cycles in reverse.

* Go to the desktop. Windows key-D.

* Context menu. Instead of right-clicking to get a context menu, press Shift-F10. Then scroll up or down the menu with the arrow keys.

* Shut down. To quickly shut down your computer, press Windows key and then U. Once there you can also type S for Standby mode, U to shut down, or R to restart.

* Most common. You know these, but for true noobs, some common application shortcuts: Ctrl-O for open, Ctrl-S for Save, Ctrl-N for New, Ctrl-W to close a window, Ctrl-C to copy, Ctrl-V to paste, Ctrl-X to cut. Ctrl-Z to undo, Ctrl-Y to redo. To see the clipboard's contents in MS Office, press Ctrl-C twice. Ctrl-Home to move to the top of a document, Ctrl-End to move to the bottom.

* Menu bar. Pressing Alt gets you to the menu bar, and you can scroll around using the arrow keys. Alt plus the underlined letter of each menu option takes you to that option. Or just memorize the keyboard shortcut for that option for even faster keyboarding.

* Windows Explorer. Windows-E goes to My Computer. Then use the following.

* Display subfolders. NUM LOCK + Asterick Sign(*).

* Display contents. NUM LOCK + PLUS Sign(+).

* Collapse selection. NUM LOCK + Minus Sign(-).

* Highlight text. In a document, use Ctrl-Shift plus arrow keys to highlight blocks of text quickly. Ctrl-A to highlight everything at once.

* Permanent delete. Shift-Delete will delete an item permanently without sending to the Recycle bin.



Mac OS



* Toggle Dock. Option-Cmd-D to show and hide the Dock.

* Hide others. Cmd-Option-H hides every other app besides the one you're in. Simplifies your screen.

* Close Finder windows. Cmd-W to close the current window. Option-Cmd-W to close all the windows in an application.

* Expand folders. Option-Cmd-Right Arrow to expand a folder and nested sub folders in List View in the Finder.

* Forward and back. Cmd-[ and Cmd-] works in the Finder, Safari and Firefox.

* Screen capture. Cmd-Shift-3 for the entire screen. Cmd-Shift-4 to give you cross hairs to create a selection on the screen.

* Log out. Shift-Cmd-Q gives you 2 minutes to change your mind before logging out.

Shift-Option-Cmd-Q doesn't give you that time.

* Empty Trash. Shift-Cmd-Delete.

* New tab in Safari. Cmd-T.

* Help. Cmd-shift-?.

* Boot from CD. Press C during startup (right after the chime) to boot from a CD.

* Change startup volume. Option-Cmd-Shift-Delete during startup bypasses the primary startup volume and seeks another startup volume such as a CD or disk.

* Super Get Info. Cmd-Option-I brings up a live Get Info window, enabling you to view and alter many file and folder stats with a single window.

* Sleep, restart and shutdown. Cmd-option-eject, Cmd-ctrl-eject, and Cmd-Option-ctrl-eject.

* Force Quit. Cmd-opt-Esc is a basic but very useful one.

* Quick FTP. For quick and dirty FTP, Cmd-K will open the Connect to Server command.



Excel



* Edit cell. F2, probably the best shortcut to know.

* Select current column. Ctrl-Space.

* Select current row. Shift-Space.

* Format as currency. Ctrl+Shift+4 (i.e. Ctrl+$).

* Format as percentage. Ctrl+Shift+5 (i.e. Ctrl+%).

* Home. Ctrl-Home selects A1 on the current worksheet.

* Insert date. Ctrl-Semicolon.

* Insert time. Ctrl-Colon.

* Copy above cell. Ctrl-Double Quote enters a copy of the cell above (without formatting).

* Format Cells. Ctrl-1 opens Format Cells dialog box.

* Navigate worksheets. Ctrl-Page Up and Ctrl-Page Down.

* Multiple enter. Ctrl-Enter instead of just Enter after entering data into one of several preselected cells will put the data in all those cells.





Word



* Default formatting. Ctrl-Space turns on normal style for the current selection or subsequent typing.

* Paragraph spacing. Ctrl-0 (zero above the letter keys) adds or removes a line of spacing above the current paragraph. Ctrl-1 (above the letter keys) changes paragraph to single-line spaces. Ctrl-2 (above the letter keys) double-spaces the paragraph. Ctrl-5 (above the letter keys) makes the paragraph to 1.5-line spacing.

* Updating date/time. Alt-Shift-D inserts an updating date. Alt-Shift-T inserts an updating time.



Internet Explorer



* Navigate. Alt-Left Arrow and Alt-Right Arrow to go back or forward, and Ctrl-N to start a new window.

* Favorites. Ctrl-D to put the current page in your favorite list. Ctrl-B to open the Organize Favorites dialog box.

* Quick address. To quickly to to an URL, type Ctrl-L and enter the address.

* Home. Alt-Home to go to your home page.

* Refresh. Ctrl-F5.

* Find. Ctrl-F.



Outlook



* Send/receive. To send or receive mail on default accounts, press F5.

* Go to inbox. Ctrl+Shift+I.

* Go to the Outbox. Ctrl+Shift+O.

* Reply. Ctrl+R.

* Mark as read. Ctrl+Q

* New message. Ctrl+Shift+M.

* New contact. Ctrl+Shift+C.

* New appointment. Ctrl+Shift+A.



AutoHotKey



* Mac OSX users will use Quicksilver, which can do virtually anything using the keyboard. Windows users don't have that luxury, but there is AutoHotKey (http://www.autohotkey.com/download), which takes a little bit of setup, but can do some wondrous things for your productivity once you've entered all your favorites and their hotkeys.

* Signatures. Set up the text replacement features of AHK to type in one of your multiple signatures quickly. For example wsig1 and wsig2 could each expand to one of your two work signatures, and so on.

* Common email replies. Do you type some of the same replies every day? Enter them into AHK, each with a shortcut of just a few letters, and they will instantly expand to your common replies.

* Common html code. Use the same codes over and over each day? Set up AHK to enter them much more quickly.

* App launcher. Launch every commonly-used application with a keyboard shortcut of your choice.

* Favorite web pages. All of my most commonly used web pages (banks, Gmail, Google Reader, and many more) have a quick-key combination assigned.

* Favorite folders. Have certain folders you open a lot? Assign keystrokes.

* Favorite documents. You get the idea. This is great for commonly-used templates, or logs, that you open a lot.

U.S. Mint Cashes In On Political Correctness

Anticipation Tepid For Newest $1 Coin Collectors Excited, But Not All Banks

The Mint is in the process of progressively issuing dollar coins in honor of each President. They have just released the second in the series, which features the likeness of John Adams. But to avoid getting feminists offside and, perhaps in recognition of the fact that many a president’s wife has really worn the presidential trousers (do you really think Ronald Reagan ran his own show?), the Mint will also issue “First Spouse” coins. However, the PC police realized that this could offend fans of Presidents who, for various reasons, didn’t have a wife. So to shut them up, the “single” chaps will have a companion coin depicting Lady Liberty.

Court Says Fiancés Can Be Indian Givers

Engagement Rings Are Men's Property

An Australian Supreme Court judge has ruled that the ring given to a fiancée becomes the property of the fiancé if the marriage is called off. This came as a bit of a shock to Vicky Papathanasopoulos when she found out that she had to repay ex-fiancé Andrew Vacopoulos $15,250 because she had binned her expensively-endowed love token. Sounds like Andrew might be better off in the long run anyway; who wants to be married to a woman dumb enough to chuck a diamond ring in the garbage?

Biting Excuse Hard To Swallow

Nephew, 3, Bitten As A Lesson

A man has been charged with assault for biting his 3-year-old nephew all over the body. He claims he was teaching the boy that biting people is wrong. We’re pretty sure the lad got that message loud and clear. Most people would think that the uncle’s behavior is misguided at best and dangerously psychotic at worst, but the fact that he was raised by wolves surely provides mitigating circumstances.

Mad Cow Disease Finally Kills Someone

Man Crushed By Flying Cow

A man was killed after his car collided with a large cow – but not in the way you might think. A fatality in these circumstances normally occurs because the front of the car crumples due to the impact, or the car may veer out of control and hit a tree or another vehicle. But in this case the aggrieved, mad, cow managed to wreak some revenge on its assailant. After it was hit, it managed to produce a back flip that Bruce Lee would be proud of and landed on the car rooftop, crushing the unfortunate driver.

Welsh Dolphins In Fine Voice

Dolphins off Wales use their own DAI-alect, say scientists.

It has long been thought that dolphins living off the coast of Wales were a particularly stupid branch of the wider dolphin family. But scientists have now discovered that they can in fact communicate quite effectively with each other. However, because they are speaking in Welsh, no other dolphins from Britain can understand a single word they say.

It’s further reported that they often gather in large groups and sing endless sea shanties to largely disinterested audiences.

Slow Learning Driver

Two Speeding Tickets In A Row

A Canadian man was so angry at being booked for speeding that he laid rubber as he sped away from the police officer. Understandably, the officer chased after him and booked him again, this time he got him for making unnecessary noise as well as for speeding. The driver’s lucky you can’t be booked for being a moron.

Dogs Once Again Proud To Lift Their Legs

Dog owners with more money than sense can now ask their local vet to implant fake testicles into their de-sexed male dog. Veterinarians hope this money-spinner will lead to other lucrative cosmetic surgery requests from wealthy dog owners. Obvious needs include facelifts for basset hounds, leg extensions for dachshunds, botox for those ones with all the wrinkles, and complete facial reconstruction for pugs.

Nobody’s That Lucky! Woman's Run Of Luck Confounds Statisticians

670,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1

Most golfers are lucky if they manage to hit one hole-in-one in their entire lifetime, yet, amateur golfer Jacqueline Gagne has hit ten of them in less than four months. Statisticians and golf experts alike are baffled by this amazing performance, but a clue to the real explanation comes from the fact that Gagne's 10th ace caromed off a tree before sinking into the hole. The only logical explanation is that Gagne’s husband George, who is a keen inventor, has managed to perfect the Holy Grail of golf, the radio-controlled ball.

This Time Kibbles Bites Off More Than He Can Chew

Man's Worst Enemy?

40-year-old New Yorker Dennis Foster is suing a German shepherd called Kibbles for biting his hand in a food-stealing caper that went horribly wrong. Foster is a fair man; he doesn’t blame the dog’s elderly owner, but he thinks Kibbles is a BAD dog and needs to be taught a lesson. Thus, it is actually the dog that is being sued, not the owner. And in a further display of commonsense, Foster isn’t seeking monetary compensation. He’s not a fool and realizes Kibbles probably isn’t wealthy in his own right, but he does want to send a message out to all dogs that this sort of behaviour just isn’t acceptable. Cats around the country have been sending Foster emails expressing their heartfelt support.

“He’s A Good Boy, Really”

Mom Drives Son To Rob Jewelry Store

A German mother drove her son and his two friends to a jewelry store. There’s nothing odd about that you may think, however, in this case, the reason for the trip wasn’t to pick a nice watch, it was to stab and rob the jeweler. The mother was fully aware of her son’s intentions, but she came along because she was worried he might come to some harm.

This is quite normal maternal behavior in Germany. Notable precedents include the mother of Baron von Richthofen (aka The Red Baron), who always came along on his daring WWI flying missions. And let’s not forget Hitler’s proud mom, who was seated alongside Adolf when the Panzer divisions rolled into Poland in the early days of WWII.

Indian Rail Passengers Say “I Think I Can, I Think I Can”

Train Passengers Asked To Get Out And Push

Passengers on an Indian train recently took part in a novel scheme to reduce power usage and thus cut greenhouse gas emissions. The passengers were asked to save electricity by pushing the train for part of their regular journey. As they only managed to move the train twelve feet in half an hour, rail authorities are thought to be now considering other initiatives.

Anti-Smoking Ads Reel In The Complaints

"Hooked" Anti-Smoking Ads Spark Record Complaints

A British series of anti-smoking posters has upset lots of people because it shows smokers with fish hooks through their mouths. People have claimed that the posters are distressing, especially to their children. Apparently they would rather their children died from smoking-related illnesses than have them view the potentially life-saving images, which are relatively mild compared to those they regularly see in horror movies.

Murder Wrap

Killers Wrap Victim In Christmas Paper

A Mexican murder victim has been found gift-wrapped in Christmas paper. Police have no problems with a motive for the killing, which is one of many drug-related homicides that occur on a daily basis in this part of the country. However, they are baffled over the festive wrapping: “Normally in May you would expect a generic type of colorful or patterned wrapping or, alternatively, perhaps a birthday theme. To use Christmas wrapping at this time of year is most perplexing.”

Train Hobby Off The Rails

Men Convicted Of Stealing Miles Of Railway Line

Three German men who have been convicted of stealing 2.5 miles of rail track have come clean about their out-of-control model train obsession. In their testimony they revealed the seamy truth about the cut-throat world they unwittingly fell into. “It started as a harmless hobby, but then you want more and more, and bigger and better trains. Eventually you need full-size trains running on full-size tracks. We were just the unlucky ones who got caught.”

Don't Eat Yellow Snow

Snow Peeing

Authorities are requesting that all members of the public refrain from urinating indoors after heavy snowfall. The simple act of peeing outdoors may save the life of a wayward traveller or an unfortunate homeless person overcome by the inclement weather. In a heartfelt address to the nation, the President urged all Americans to “drink plenty of fluid and pee generously.”

Copy Machine Prank: And You Thought Butts Were Ugly

Diabolical Duplicator

The harmless copy machine. Is there a device that has been more user-friendly than this modern marvel? And what a welcome sight they can be when you need to make a quick copy of an important document or photo. Well, think again people. Approach these freaky contraptions with extreme caution!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre Alarm Clock

Have you got lazy layabout kids who won’t get out of bed in the mornings? Well why not try this novel approach to get their adrenaline flowing to greet the new day. Please note: the American Psychological Association warns that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be a minor side affect of this procedure.

Killjoy Germans Refuse To Be Sex Objects

German Sex Toy Seller To Pay Damages To Football Stars

German footballers Oliver Kahn and Michael Ballack have been paid damages by a sex toy manufacturer who named vibrators after the two World Cup stars. Other football heroes, who hail from countries that haven’t eliminated joy and humor from the national psyche, have been happy (and, in some cases, honored) to be associated with the innovative venture.

You’d Be A Dope Not To Smoke

Study Finds No Cancer-Marijuana Connection

A new study has unexpectedly found that you can smoke as much marijuana as you like and it won’t increase your chance of lung cancer, you may even reduce the risk! If only Bill Clinton had had that knowledge years ago, he probably would have inhaled. And maybe George W. Bush will finally admit to having used the drug when he was young, as he can now claim he always knew that it was doing him good.

Dying For A Pizza: Sponsored by Tombstone Pizza

No Charges Against Delivery Driver Pizza Delivery Man Shot, Killed Attacker

The Genesee County prosecutor says there will be no charges against a pizza delivery man who shot and killed a man who attacked him. Police hope that all hungry thieves have now got the message loud and clear: “You have to pay for your pizzas just like everybody else.”

Rug Retailers Forced To Stay In Business

Legislature Wants Final Sales To Finally End Bill Would Limit 'Going Out Of Business' Sales

The Oregon Senate has approved a bill that will stop stores from having repeated “Going Out of Business” sales. This will rock the rug selling industry, whose whole advertising strategy is based on a regular sequence of “Closing Down” sales closely followed by “New Store Opening” sales. A spokesman for the rug dealers said, “This is an outrage, my family has been selling rugs for 2000 years and in that entire period we’ve never had to stay in business for more than three months at a time.”

Dancing With Death

Man Dies In Conn. Dance Faceoff

A Connecticut man has died while trying to outdo a rival while “battle dancing” in a parking lot. Authorities have urged people to leave dancing to the experts: “They watch a Fred Astaire movie or a Michael Jackson video and they think ‘That looks easy, I’ll give it a go.’ But they don’t realize that on TV it’s all done with trick photography and trained stunt men. A real person can’t do a double somersault and land on their head in a parking lot. It’s just not safe.”

Orchestra Crowd Gets Down And Dirty

Fistfight Mars Boston Pops' Opening Night

Many of Boston’s well-heeled elite are today having a good hard look at themselves after being strangely aroused by an outbreak of fisticuffs at their normally sedate Boston Pops classical music concert. Even the orchestra stopped playing in order to cheer on the combatants, who had decided to settle their differences in the old-fashioned way, rather than the “lawyers at ten paces” approach normally favored by the delicate folk of this social stratum.

Police Intervene In Family Bonding Session

Indian Man Chained For Defying Father In Marriage

An Indian man was chained up for a month by his father and village clerics after disobeying orders and marrying a woman from a so-called lower class. The shackled groom was finally released by police after his new wife decided to spill the beans on her loopy in-laws. Claims by the father that this was just a “harmless bachelor-party prank” fell on deaf ears.

Cupid Goes Really Stupid

Falling in Love with Things

Experts are trying to understand a bizarre sexual obsession known as objectophilia. People who experience this phenomenon fall deeply in love with objects. The objects range from large structures like New York’s Twin Towers and the Berlin Wall to much smaller lovers such as a sexy little laptop and a Hammond Organ, which, to be fair, is still pretty big compared to most organs. You’d think that inanimate objects would cause less relationship problems than human lovers. I mean, except for the laptop, none of the above objects will criticize you or whine at you to empty the trash. But would you ever get over the death of something as big as the Twin Towers?

Anti-Gay Remark Blamed On Dodgy Bowels And Ears

Republican Presidential Candidate Tommy Thompson Explains Gay Rights Remark

Yes, it is true that Republican candidate Tommy Thompson said that an employer should be allowed to fire someone for being gay, but he didn’t really mean it. Apparently he was absolutely busting to go to the bathroom and he just said the first thing that came to his mind. And if people don’t believe that one, he has a backup excuse: His hearing aid battery was flat, and he didn’t hear the question properly. So, if Tommy manages to win through to the Presidency, we can expect an upgrade to the White House bathroom facilities (i.e. a lot more of them put in) and a big heap of fresh batteries to be kept in every room.

Car Crash Has Woman’s Head In A Spin

Woman Survives Internal Decapitation / Doctors Call 30-Year-Old Woman 'Medical Miracle'

Thankfully, Shannon Malloy survived a horrific car crash in which her skull became separated from her spine. Doctors are also amazed at the progress she has made so far on the road to recovery. Her surgeon has only ever seen this type of injury once before and that patient didn’t survive. But there has been a precedent. Remember Linda Blair in The Exorcist? She obviously had a similar condition, which enabled her to spin her head 360 degrees while projectile vomiting. And in good news for Shannon, Linda made a full recovery.

Last Gasp For Smoking In Movies

U.S. Movie Group Slaps New Restrictions On Smoking

The organization that determines the rating of new films has warned producers that movies glamorizing smoking will now be classified more strictly, making them off-limits to children. Thankfully, however, our kids will still be able to watch as much unmitigated violence as their little stomachs can handle.

Prison Authorities Fail To Execute Dying Wish

Executed Man Gets Last Meal Wish After He Dies

Instead of having a final slap-up meal, soon-to-be-executed Philip Workman asked that a vegetarian pizza be sent to a homeless person. This selfless final request was denied. So, on the one hand, you have Phil who, in his dying moments, has more concern for unknown homeless people than for himself, and, on the other, you have prison authorities who don’t have a humane bone in their fat, lazy bodies. Maybe Tennessee needs to rethink who gets a cubicle on death row. Happily, charities were flooded with pizzas when news of this injustice reached the general public.

Karaoke-Crazed Businessman Goes Ballistic

Tycoon Faces Karaoke Beating Charge

The Asian love affair with karaoke may be over. One of South Korea’s leading businessmen has been accused of kidnapping and beating karaoke waiters. The tycoon doesn’t deny the charges, although he has yet to explain his reasons. But you don’t need to be Einstein to work out that something like this was bound to happen eventually.

Someday someone was going to come to their senses and realize that human dignity and karaoke can’t coexist in the same universe. Why this man chose to take his rage out on waiters is anyone’s guess. Most people would think it more reasonable to beat the actual performers, but maybe they suffer enough when someone shows them a video of their abysmal drunken rendition of “My Heart Will Go On.”

Politicians Favor Images Of Death In Maternity Hospital

Milan Hospital Removes Crucifixes, Sparks Row

Right-wing Italian politicians are up in arms over a maternity hospital’s decision to replace a few crucifixes with images of the Virgin Mary. It seems reasonable to assume that a woman going through the pain of childbirth would prefer to look up at a loving symbol of motherhood rather than an image of a man dying in agony, but I guess the politicians know best.

Beijing Billboards Out Of Control

Mayor Frets Over Braggart Billboards

Beijing’s mayor has spoken out over the rampant spread of dangerous and divisive billboards proliferating throughout his city, just before the Olympics. He believes that the advertisements depicting an indulgent lifestyle will undermine harmony between the rich and the poor. Imagine what Mao would have thought of billboards promoting the attractions of expensive villas, cars and other luxury goods.

It's not that old Communist Party leaders were against that kind of thing, they just didn’t want to shout about it and give the common people any funny ideas.

Heartbreak For Old Rock N Rollers

iPods Can Make Pacemakers Malfunction: Study

Aging baby-boomers have been dealt a body blow by a recent study which found that iPods can cause pacemakers to malfunction. It has long been speculated that there may be a connection, but health authorities are rumored to have kept a lid on the findings, believing that fate may have handed them a neat way out of the looming aging population crisis.

Colombia Overrun By Tourists

Ton Of Cocaine Covers Road After Wreck In Colombia

Columbian authorities are struggling to cope with a sudden inexplicable surge in tourist numbers. Strangely, the vast majority of visitors are heading to one particular area of the country, which, coincidentally, was also the scene of a recent well-publicized trucking accident. The truck’s main cargo appears to have been a white powder which ended up all over the road. Locals have been amazed by the keen interest in their humble piece of countryside, and they have been especially delighted to spot many faces they recognize from Hollywood movies.

Prince Philip Is A Pisser

How Do You 'Go' In Space?

Instead of finding something insightful to ask about when touring a U.S. space center, Prince Philip asked about the onboard toilet facilities. Still, that’s a lot better than some of his past comments while on tour. For example, “You are a woman, aren't you?” when accepting a gift from a Kenyan woman, and “If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed,” to a group of British students he met in China.

Movie Fans Set To Dump Television Sets

Motorola Plans Movie-Playing Mobile Phone

Motorola is excited about their new mobile phone that is capable of displaying feature films. Apparently they expect movie fans to dump their new wide-screen plasma televisions in favor of the new phone.

Canny market researchers believe that the phone will be a big hit, anticipating that whole families will crowd around their shiny new device, squinting at the barely recognizable figures who speak in squeaky voices.

Student Thieves Show A Lot Of Guts

Students Can't Stomach Bare-Bellied Photo, So They Swipe Newspapers

Nearly 1,000 copies of the Framingham State College student newspaper were stolen by students embarrassed by the journal's front-page photo showing them as bare-bellied lacrosse fans. Each girl had a letter painted on her stomach which, in combination, spelled out the name of a lacrosse player.

Authorities put the theft down to vanity, saying that some of the girls believed the photo was unflattering due to their flabby bellies. The girls vehemently deny this claim, pointing out that they were embarrassed academically because they’d made a spelling mistake.

Pope Chasing World Record

Pope To Canonize First Brazilian

Pope Benedict is well on his way to a world canonizing record if he can keep up his current pace. On Friday he will canonize Antonio de Sant'Anna Galvao, Brazil’s first native-born saint. Despite the fact that there is much skepticism about Galvao’s miracles, there’s just no stopping this new Pope.

For the record, a saint needs to have two proven miracles to join the club. A health expert at the hospital where one of the “miracles” occurred says that, regardless of any saintly intervention, the child in question had a 50% chance of surviving.

Boy-Throwing To Be Discontinued

Boy Speared With Javelin

Lyndhurst Secondary College in Melbourne will remove the popular boy-throwing event from its sports agenda due to a near tragedy today. A throwee had to be taken to hospital after landing on an upturned javelin when he was hurled a record distance by the school’s champion thrower.

The event has up till now been kept out of the public’s attention, but an inadvertent slip by a rescue officer let the cat out of the bag when she said, “the javelin was not in the air when the boy was speared and it was unclear how he came to be impaled.”

Uri Should Have Seen It Coming

"Psychic" Uri Geller Sued After Trying To Remove Critical Youtube Clip

Self-proclaimed psychic and spoon-bender Uri Gellar is being sued for illegally requesting that YouTube delete a video clip. Gellar wanted the clip taken off the net because it exposes his fraudulent methods of performing paranormal tricks. One wonders why Uri bothered going through official channels to pull the clip. If he can remotely bend spoons and fix watches for television viewers, surely he could have used his awesome mind power to blast the offending file right off YouTube’s server.

And, furthermore, why couldn’t Uri psychically foresee that his action would come back to bite him? It’s almost enough to make loyal followers think that Uri might not be completely on the level.

Teenagers Were Right All Along

How A Pint Of Milk A Day Can Give You Acne

A study by the Harvard School of Public Health has shown that parents have been wrong to make their teenage children eat a “good” breakfast and to make them avoid “bad” foods. The study has shown that drinking milk increases the risk of acne, but fries, chocolate, and pizza have no affect.

So, when your teenage daughter skips her milk-drenched morning cereal and instead stops at McDonalds for some fast food, she’s actually responding to her body’s inner wisdom.

Government Department Claims Good Samaritan “Unfair”

Gas Station Owner Told To Raise Prices

A Wisconsin service station owner, who gave discounts to senior citizens and people who supported youth sports, has been slammed by the Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection for violating the Unfair Sales Act.

A Department spokesman was quoted as saying, “It’s about time we took a stand against old people, they’ve had it good for too long. What have they ever done for us? And don’t even start me on young people!”

Unhappy With The Cost Of Living

What do you MEAN I'm not going to die?

A man who was told he only had a year to live went on a wild spending spree which left him with just the suit he wished to be buried in. Then he got some really bad news: he’d been misdiagnosed and now he could look forward to a long, healthy life. The now penniless man is in a desperate situation. When asked to contribute financially to their former patient, hospital authorities and doctors were initially highly amused.

After realizing that this had in fact been a serious request, one doctor helpfully suggested that, since the man’s organs had now been given the all clear, perhaps he could raise some money by selling a few of them.

Heavy Metal-Hating Judge Rejects Baby Name

Couple Names Baby 'Metallica'

A Swedish couple has gone to court to fight for the right to name their baby “Metallica.” In a blatant display of musical elitism, the judge offered the names “Abba” and “Britney” as acceptable alternatives. The heavily tattooed couple merely gave the judge a withering look.

New Canadian Gold Rush

Canada Mints 200-Pound, Solid-Gold Coin

The Royal Canadian mint has released a new gold coin. It weighs 200 pounds and it’s 20 inches across and 1 inch thick. On hearing the news, buskers from around the globe started making a beeline for Canada. Even though only three of the coins have been sold as yet, optimistic buskers are hoping one of them lands in their hat as reward for a heartfelt version of Mr. Bojangles.

Defendant Lacks Killer Instinct

CPR

In a Pennsylvanian courtroom, a defendant interrupted her own defense to perform CPR on the suddenly stricken landlord who was suing her. Upon hearing this news, amazed lawyers shook their heads in disbelief. As one hard-bitten old attorney exclaimed, “This is why civilians should never conduct their own defense. The woman was being handed a gift. No self-respecting lawyer would ever do what she did.”

Entrepreneurs Excel At British Universities

Fake Students Net Loan Millions

Fraudsters who pretend to be students are raking in a fortune in student loans at British universities. Police and university authorities are rightfully concerned about this criminal activity, but major corporations take a different view and are believed to be actively headhunting the offenders, offering them key positions in their organizations. As one CEO explained, “People with business and accounting degrees are a dime-a-dozen. If we’re going to beat the competition, we need executives who are prepared to bend a few rules.”

Too bad that Enron is not hiring.

"Bigfool" and BigFoot On The Prowl In Canada

Bigfoot Risks Extinction, Says Canadian MP

Sensible Canadian politicians appear to be thin on the ground at the moment if MP Mike Lake is a typical example. Mr. Lake’s petition to protect North America’s legendary Bigfoot (a.k.a Sasquatch) is due to be debated in the national Parliament next week. Come on Canadians, forget about mythological creatures, you need to put intelligent politicians on the endangered species list.