U.S. Mint Cashes In On Political Correctness

Anticipation Tepid For Newest $1 Coin Collectors Excited, But Not All Banks

The Mint is in the process of progressively issuing dollar coins in honor of each President. They have just released the second in the series, which features the likeness of John Adams. But to avoid getting feminists offside and, perhaps in recognition of the fact that many a president’s wife has really worn the presidential trousers (do you really think Ronald Reagan ran his own show?), the Mint will also issue “First Spouse” coins. However, the PC police realized that this could offend fans of Presidents who, for various reasons, didn’t have a wife. So to shut them up, the “single” chaps will have a companion coin depicting Lady Liberty.

Court Says Fiancés Can Be Indian Givers

Engagement Rings Are Men's Property

An Australian Supreme Court judge has ruled that the ring given to a fiancée becomes the property of the fiancé if the marriage is called off. This came as a bit of a shock to Vicky Papathanasopoulos when she found out that she had to repay ex-fiancé Andrew Vacopoulos $15,250 because she had binned her expensively-endowed love token. Sounds like Andrew might be better off in the long run anyway; who wants to be married to a woman dumb enough to chuck a diamond ring in the garbage?

Biting Excuse Hard To Swallow

Nephew, 3, Bitten As A Lesson

A man has been charged with assault for biting his 3-year-old nephew all over the body. He claims he was teaching the boy that biting people is wrong. We’re pretty sure the lad got that message loud and clear. Most people would think that the uncle’s behavior is misguided at best and dangerously psychotic at worst, but the fact that he was raised by wolves surely provides mitigating circumstances.

Mad Cow Disease Finally Kills Someone

Man Crushed By Flying Cow

A man was killed after his car collided with a large cow – but not in the way you might think. A fatality in these circumstances normally occurs because the front of the car crumples due to the impact, or the car may veer out of control and hit a tree or another vehicle. But in this case the aggrieved, mad, cow managed to wreak some revenge on its assailant. After it was hit, it managed to produce a back flip that Bruce Lee would be proud of and landed on the car rooftop, crushing the unfortunate driver.

Welsh Dolphins In Fine Voice

Dolphins off Wales use their own DAI-alect, say scientists.

It has long been thought that dolphins living off the coast of Wales were a particularly stupid branch of the wider dolphin family. But scientists have now discovered that they can in fact communicate quite effectively with each other. However, because they are speaking in Welsh, no other dolphins from Britain can understand a single word they say.

It’s further reported that they often gather in large groups and sing endless sea shanties to largely disinterested audiences.

Slow Learning Driver

Two Speeding Tickets In A Row

A Canadian man was so angry at being booked for speeding that he laid rubber as he sped away from the police officer. Understandably, the officer chased after him and booked him again, this time he got him for making unnecessary noise as well as for speeding. The driver’s lucky you can’t be booked for being a moron.

Dogs Once Again Proud To Lift Their Legs

Dog owners with more money than sense can now ask their local vet to implant fake testicles into their de-sexed male dog. Veterinarians hope this money-spinner will lead to other lucrative cosmetic surgery requests from wealthy dog owners. Obvious needs include facelifts for basset hounds, leg extensions for dachshunds, botox for those ones with all the wrinkles, and complete facial reconstruction for pugs.

Nobody’s That Lucky! Woman's Run Of Luck Confounds Statisticians

670,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1

Most golfers are lucky if they manage to hit one hole-in-one in their entire lifetime, yet, amateur golfer Jacqueline Gagne has hit ten of them in less than four months. Statisticians and golf experts alike are baffled by this amazing performance, but a clue to the real explanation comes from the fact that Gagne's 10th ace caromed off a tree before sinking into the hole. The only logical explanation is that Gagne’s husband George, who is a keen inventor, has managed to perfect the Holy Grail of golf, the radio-controlled ball.

This Time Kibbles Bites Off More Than He Can Chew

Man's Worst Enemy?

40-year-old New Yorker Dennis Foster is suing a German shepherd called Kibbles for biting his hand in a food-stealing caper that went horribly wrong. Foster is a fair man; he doesn’t blame the dog’s elderly owner, but he thinks Kibbles is a BAD dog and needs to be taught a lesson. Thus, it is actually the dog that is being sued, not the owner. And in a further display of commonsense, Foster isn’t seeking monetary compensation. He’s not a fool and realizes Kibbles probably isn’t wealthy in his own right, but he does want to send a message out to all dogs that this sort of behaviour just isn’t acceptable. Cats around the country have been sending Foster emails expressing their heartfelt support.

“He’s A Good Boy, Really”

Mom Drives Son To Rob Jewelry Store

A German mother drove her son and his two friends to a jewelry store. There’s nothing odd about that you may think, however, in this case, the reason for the trip wasn’t to pick a nice watch, it was to stab and rob the jeweler. The mother was fully aware of her son’s intentions, but she came along because she was worried he might come to some harm.

This is quite normal maternal behavior in Germany. Notable precedents include the mother of Baron von Richthofen (aka The Red Baron), who always came along on his daring WWI flying missions. And let’s not forget Hitler’s proud mom, who was seated alongside Adolf when the Panzer divisions rolled into Poland in the early days of WWII.

Indian Rail Passengers Say “I Think I Can, I Think I Can”

Train Passengers Asked To Get Out And Push

Passengers on an Indian train recently took part in a novel scheme to reduce power usage and thus cut greenhouse gas emissions. The passengers were asked to save electricity by pushing the train for part of their regular journey. As they only managed to move the train twelve feet in half an hour, rail authorities are thought to be now considering other initiatives.

Anti-Smoking Ads Reel In The Complaints

"Hooked" Anti-Smoking Ads Spark Record Complaints

A British series of anti-smoking posters has upset lots of people because it shows smokers with fish hooks through their mouths. People have claimed that the posters are distressing, especially to their children. Apparently they would rather their children died from smoking-related illnesses than have them view the potentially life-saving images, which are relatively mild compared to those they regularly see in horror movies.

Murder Wrap

Killers Wrap Victim In Christmas Paper

A Mexican murder victim has been found gift-wrapped in Christmas paper. Police have no problems with a motive for the killing, which is one of many drug-related homicides that occur on a daily basis in this part of the country. However, they are baffled over the festive wrapping: “Normally in May you would expect a generic type of colorful or patterned wrapping or, alternatively, perhaps a birthday theme. To use Christmas wrapping at this time of year is most perplexing.”

Train Hobby Off The Rails

Men Convicted Of Stealing Miles Of Railway Line

Three German men who have been convicted of stealing 2.5 miles of rail track have come clean about their out-of-control model train obsession. In their testimony they revealed the seamy truth about the cut-throat world they unwittingly fell into. “It started as a harmless hobby, but then you want more and more, and bigger and better trains. Eventually you need full-size trains running on full-size tracks. We were just the unlucky ones who got caught.”

Don't Eat Yellow Snow

Snow Peeing

Authorities are requesting that all members of the public refrain from urinating indoors after heavy snowfall. The simple act of peeing outdoors may save the life of a wayward traveller or an unfortunate homeless person overcome by the inclement weather. In a heartfelt address to the nation, the President urged all Americans to “drink plenty of fluid and pee generously.”

Copy Machine Prank: And You Thought Butts Were Ugly

Diabolical Duplicator

The harmless copy machine. Is there a device that has been more user-friendly than this modern marvel? And what a welcome sight they can be when you need to make a quick copy of an important document or photo. Well, think again people. Approach these freaky contraptions with extreme caution!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre Alarm Clock

Have you got lazy layabout kids who won’t get out of bed in the mornings? Well why not try this novel approach to get their adrenaline flowing to greet the new day. Please note: the American Psychological Association warns that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be a minor side affect of this procedure.

Killjoy Germans Refuse To Be Sex Objects

German Sex Toy Seller To Pay Damages To Football Stars

German footballers Oliver Kahn and Michael Ballack have been paid damages by a sex toy manufacturer who named vibrators after the two World Cup stars. Other football heroes, who hail from countries that haven’t eliminated joy and humor from the national psyche, have been happy (and, in some cases, honored) to be associated with the innovative venture.

You’d Be A Dope Not To Smoke

Study Finds No Cancer-Marijuana Connection

A new study has unexpectedly found that you can smoke as much marijuana as you like and it won’t increase your chance of lung cancer, you may even reduce the risk! If only Bill Clinton had had that knowledge years ago, he probably would have inhaled. And maybe George W. Bush will finally admit to having used the drug when he was young, as he can now claim he always knew that it was doing him good.

Dying For A Pizza: Sponsored by Tombstone Pizza

No Charges Against Delivery Driver Pizza Delivery Man Shot, Killed Attacker

The Genesee County prosecutor says there will be no charges against a pizza delivery man who shot and killed a man who attacked him. Police hope that all hungry thieves have now got the message loud and clear: “You have to pay for your pizzas just like everybody else.”

Rug Retailers Forced To Stay In Business

Legislature Wants Final Sales To Finally End Bill Would Limit 'Going Out Of Business' Sales

The Oregon Senate has approved a bill that will stop stores from having repeated “Going Out of Business” sales. This will rock the rug selling industry, whose whole advertising strategy is based on a regular sequence of “Closing Down” sales closely followed by “New Store Opening” sales. A spokesman for the rug dealers said, “This is an outrage, my family has been selling rugs for 2000 years and in that entire period we’ve never had to stay in business for more than three months at a time.”

Dancing With Death

Man Dies In Conn. Dance Faceoff

A Connecticut man has died while trying to outdo a rival while “battle dancing” in a parking lot. Authorities have urged people to leave dancing to the experts: “They watch a Fred Astaire movie or a Michael Jackson video and they think ‘That looks easy, I’ll give it a go.’ But they don’t realize that on TV it’s all done with trick photography and trained stunt men. A real person can’t do a double somersault and land on their head in a parking lot. It’s just not safe.”

Orchestra Crowd Gets Down And Dirty

Fistfight Mars Boston Pops' Opening Night

Many of Boston’s well-heeled elite are today having a good hard look at themselves after being strangely aroused by an outbreak of fisticuffs at their normally sedate Boston Pops classical music concert. Even the orchestra stopped playing in order to cheer on the combatants, who had decided to settle their differences in the old-fashioned way, rather than the “lawyers at ten paces” approach normally favored by the delicate folk of this social stratum.

Police Intervene In Family Bonding Session

Indian Man Chained For Defying Father In Marriage

An Indian man was chained up for a month by his father and village clerics after disobeying orders and marrying a woman from a so-called lower class. The shackled groom was finally released by police after his new wife decided to spill the beans on her loopy in-laws. Claims by the father that this was just a “harmless bachelor-party prank” fell on deaf ears.

Cupid Goes Really Stupid

Falling in Love with Things

Experts are trying to understand a bizarre sexual obsession known as objectophilia. People who experience this phenomenon fall deeply in love with objects. The objects range from large structures like New York’s Twin Towers and the Berlin Wall to much smaller lovers such as a sexy little laptop and a Hammond Organ, which, to be fair, is still pretty big compared to most organs. You’d think that inanimate objects would cause less relationship problems than human lovers. I mean, except for the laptop, none of the above objects will criticize you or whine at you to empty the trash. But would you ever get over the death of something as big as the Twin Towers?

Anti-Gay Remark Blamed On Dodgy Bowels And Ears

Republican Presidential Candidate Tommy Thompson Explains Gay Rights Remark

Yes, it is true that Republican candidate Tommy Thompson said that an employer should be allowed to fire someone for being gay, but he didn’t really mean it. Apparently he was absolutely busting to go to the bathroom and he just said the first thing that came to his mind. And if people don’t believe that one, he has a backup excuse: His hearing aid battery was flat, and he didn’t hear the question properly. So, if Tommy manages to win through to the Presidency, we can expect an upgrade to the White House bathroom facilities (i.e. a lot more of them put in) and a big heap of fresh batteries to be kept in every room.

Car Crash Has Woman’s Head In A Spin

Woman Survives Internal Decapitation / Doctors Call 30-Year-Old Woman 'Medical Miracle'

Thankfully, Shannon Malloy survived a horrific car crash in which her skull became separated from her spine. Doctors are also amazed at the progress she has made so far on the road to recovery. Her surgeon has only ever seen this type of injury once before and that patient didn’t survive. But there has been a precedent. Remember Linda Blair in The Exorcist? She obviously had a similar condition, which enabled her to spin her head 360 degrees while projectile vomiting. And in good news for Shannon, Linda made a full recovery.

Last Gasp For Smoking In Movies

U.S. Movie Group Slaps New Restrictions On Smoking

The organization that determines the rating of new films has warned producers that movies glamorizing smoking will now be classified more strictly, making them off-limits to children. Thankfully, however, our kids will still be able to watch as much unmitigated violence as their little stomachs can handle.

Prison Authorities Fail To Execute Dying Wish

Executed Man Gets Last Meal Wish After He Dies

Instead of having a final slap-up meal, soon-to-be-executed Philip Workman asked that a vegetarian pizza be sent to a homeless person. This selfless final request was denied. So, on the one hand, you have Phil who, in his dying moments, has more concern for unknown homeless people than for himself, and, on the other, you have prison authorities who don’t have a humane bone in their fat, lazy bodies. Maybe Tennessee needs to rethink who gets a cubicle on death row. Happily, charities were flooded with pizzas when news of this injustice reached the general public.

Karaoke-Crazed Businessman Goes Ballistic

Tycoon Faces Karaoke Beating Charge

The Asian love affair with karaoke may be over. One of South Korea’s leading businessmen has been accused of kidnapping and beating karaoke waiters. The tycoon doesn’t deny the charges, although he has yet to explain his reasons. But you don’t need to be Einstein to work out that something like this was bound to happen eventually.

Someday someone was going to come to their senses and realize that human dignity and karaoke can’t coexist in the same universe. Why this man chose to take his rage out on waiters is anyone’s guess. Most people would think it more reasonable to beat the actual performers, but maybe they suffer enough when someone shows them a video of their abysmal drunken rendition of “My Heart Will Go On.”

Politicians Favor Images Of Death In Maternity Hospital

Milan Hospital Removes Crucifixes, Sparks Row

Right-wing Italian politicians are up in arms over a maternity hospital’s decision to replace a few crucifixes with images of the Virgin Mary. It seems reasonable to assume that a woman going through the pain of childbirth would prefer to look up at a loving symbol of motherhood rather than an image of a man dying in agony, but I guess the politicians know best.

Beijing Billboards Out Of Control

Mayor Frets Over Braggart Billboards

Beijing’s mayor has spoken out over the rampant spread of dangerous and divisive billboards proliferating throughout his city, just before the Olympics. He believes that the advertisements depicting an indulgent lifestyle will undermine harmony between the rich and the poor. Imagine what Mao would have thought of billboards promoting the attractions of expensive villas, cars and other luxury goods.

It's not that old Communist Party leaders were against that kind of thing, they just didn’t want to shout about it and give the common people any funny ideas.

Heartbreak For Old Rock N Rollers

iPods Can Make Pacemakers Malfunction: Study

Aging baby-boomers have been dealt a body blow by a recent study which found that iPods can cause pacemakers to malfunction. It has long been speculated that there may be a connection, but health authorities are rumored to have kept a lid on the findings, believing that fate may have handed them a neat way out of the looming aging population crisis.

Colombia Overrun By Tourists

Ton Of Cocaine Covers Road After Wreck In Colombia

Columbian authorities are struggling to cope with a sudden inexplicable surge in tourist numbers. Strangely, the vast majority of visitors are heading to one particular area of the country, which, coincidentally, was also the scene of a recent well-publicized trucking accident. The truck’s main cargo appears to have been a white powder which ended up all over the road. Locals have been amazed by the keen interest in their humble piece of countryside, and they have been especially delighted to spot many faces they recognize from Hollywood movies.

Prince Philip Is A Pisser

How Do You 'Go' In Space?

Instead of finding something insightful to ask about when touring a U.S. space center, Prince Philip asked about the onboard toilet facilities. Still, that’s a lot better than some of his past comments while on tour. For example, “You are a woman, aren't you?” when accepting a gift from a Kenyan woman, and “If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed,” to a group of British students he met in China.

Movie Fans Set To Dump Television Sets

Motorola Plans Movie-Playing Mobile Phone

Motorola is excited about their new mobile phone that is capable of displaying feature films. Apparently they expect movie fans to dump their new wide-screen plasma televisions in favor of the new phone.

Canny market researchers believe that the phone will be a big hit, anticipating that whole families will crowd around their shiny new device, squinting at the barely recognizable figures who speak in squeaky voices.

Student Thieves Show A Lot Of Guts

Students Can't Stomach Bare-Bellied Photo, So They Swipe Newspapers

Nearly 1,000 copies of the Framingham State College student newspaper were stolen by students embarrassed by the journal's front-page photo showing them as bare-bellied lacrosse fans. Each girl had a letter painted on her stomach which, in combination, spelled out the name of a lacrosse player.

Authorities put the theft down to vanity, saying that some of the girls believed the photo was unflattering due to their flabby bellies. The girls vehemently deny this claim, pointing out that they were embarrassed academically because they’d made a spelling mistake.

Pope Chasing World Record

Pope To Canonize First Brazilian

Pope Benedict is well on his way to a world canonizing record if he can keep up his current pace. On Friday he will canonize Antonio de Sant'Anna Galvao, Brazil’s first native-born saint. Despite the fact that there is much skepticism about Galvao’s miracles, there’s just no stopping this new Pope.

For the record, a saint needs to have two proven miracles to join the club. A health expert at the hospital where one of the “miracles” occurred says that, regardless of any saintly intervention, the child in question had a 50% chance of surviving.

Boy-Throwing To Be Discontinued

Boy Speared With Javelin

Lyndhurst Secondary College in Melbourne will remove the popular boy-throwing event from its sports agenda due to a near tragedy today. A throwee had to be taken to hospital after landing on an upturned javelin when he was hurled a record distance by the school’s champion thrower.

The event has up till now been kept out of the public’s attention, but an inadvertent slip by a rescue officer let the cat out of the bag when she said, “the javelin was not in the air when the boy was speared and it was unclear how he came to be impaled.”

Uri Should Have Seen It Coming

"Psychic" Uri Geller Sued After Trying To Remove Critical Youtube Clip

Self-proclaimed psychic and spoon-bender Uri Gellar is being sued for illegally requesting that YouTube delete a video clip. Gellar wanted the clip taken off the net because it exposes his fraudulent methods of performing paranormal tricks. One wonders why Uri bothered going through official channels to pull the clip. If he can remotely bend spoons and fix watches for television viewers, surely he could have used his awesome mind power to blast the offending file right off YouTube’s server.

And, furthermore, why couldn’t Uri psychically foresee that his action would come back to bite him? It’s almost enough to make loyal followers think that Uri might not be completely on the level.

Teenagers Were Right All Along

How A Pint Of Milk A Day Can Give You Acne

A study by the Harvard School of Public Health has shown that parents have been wrong to make their teenage children eat a “good” breakfast and to make them avoid “bad” foods. The study has shown that drinking milk increases the risk of acne, but fries, chocolate, and pizza have no affect.

So, when your teenage daughter skips her milk-drenched morning cereal and instead stops at McDonalds for some fast food, she’s actually responding to her body’s inner wisdom.

Government Department Claims Good Samaritan “Unfair”

Gas Station Owner Told To Raise Prices

A Wisconsin service station owner, who gave discounts to senior citizens and people who supported youth sports, has been slammed by the Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection for violating the Unfair Sales Act.

A Department spokesman was quoted as saying, “It’s about time we took a stand against old people, they’ve had it good for too long. What have they ever done for us? And don’t even start me on young people!”

Unhappy With The Cost Of Living

What do you MEAN I'm not going to die?

A man who was told he only had a year to live went on a wild spending spree which left him with just the suit he wished to be buried in. Then he got some really bad news: he’d been misdiagnosed and now he could look forward to a long, healthy life. The now penniless man is in a desperate situation. When asked to contribute financially to their former patient, hospital authorities and doctors were initially highly amused.

After realizing that this had in fact been a serious request, one doctor helpfully suggested that, since the man’s organs had now been given the all clear, perhaps he could raise some money by selling a few of them.

Heavy Metal-Hating Judge Rejects Baby Name

Couple Names Baby 'Metallica'

A Swedish couple has gone to court to fight for the right to name their baby “Metallica.” In a blatant display of musical elitism, the judge offered the names “Abba” and “Britney” as acceptable alternatives. The heavily tattooed couple merely gave the judge a withering look.

New Canadian Gold Rush

Canada Mints 200-Pound, Solid-Gold Coin

The Royal Canadian mint has released a new gold coin. It weighs 200 pounds and it’s 20 inches across and 1 inch thick. On hearing the news, buskers from around the globe started making a beeline for Canada. Even though only three of the coins have been sold as yet, optimistic buskers are hoping one of them lands in their hat as reward for a heartfelt version of Mr. Bojangles.

Defendant Lacks Killer Instinct

CPR

In a Pennsylvanian courtroom, a defendant interrupted her own defense to perform CPR on the suddenly stricken landlord who was suing her. Upon hearing this news, amazed lawyers shook their heads in disbelief. As one hard-bitten old attorney exclaimed, “This is why civilians should never conduct their own defense. The woman was being handed a gift. No self-respecting lawyer would ever do what she did.”

Entrepreneurs Excel At British Universities

Fake Students Net Loan Millions

Fraudsters who pretend to be students are raking in a fortune in student loans at British universities. Police and university authorities are rightfully concerned about this criminal activity, but major corporations take a different view and are believed to be actively headhunting the offenders, offering them key positions in their organizations. As one CEO explained, “People with business and accounting degrees are a dime-a-dozen. If we’re going to beat the competition, we need executives who are prepared to bend a few rules.”

Too bad that Enron is not hiring.

"Bigfool" and BigFoot On The Prowl In Canada

Bigfoot Risks Extinction, Says Canadian MP

Sensible Canadian politicians appear to be thin on the ground at the moment if MP Mike Lake is a typical example. Mr. Lake’s petition to protect North America’s legendary Bigfoot (a.k.a Sasquatch) is due to be debated in the national Parliament next week. Come on Canadians, forget about mythological creatures, you need to put intelligent politicians on the endangered species list.

You Just Can’t Please Some Beer Drinkers

Brewer Must Pay Alcoholic Beer Taster

A Brazilian court has ordered compensation to be paid to an alcoholic man who was employed as a beer taster. Lifestyle gurus tell us that true happiness lies in doing a job we love. Well, you’d think this guy had landed the perfect job, and yet he’s still not happy!

Dentist In Trouble For Cleaning Ears And Fingernails

Is it dentist Alan Hutchinson’s fault that dental instruments make great tools for digging wax out of his ears and for scraping dirt from under his fingernails? No, of course not. This should be considered one of the perks of the profession. However, the Dental Council probably has a point in insisting that Alan should have cleaned his tools of ablution before shoving them in patients’ mouths.

Occasionally washing his hands wouldn’t have gone astray either.

Paris Says “it’s Cruel,” Prison Clothes Unflattering

Paris Hilton Says Jail Term Cruel, Fires Publicist

Rather than accepting any responsibility for driving while her license was suspended, Paris Hilton has laid the blame where it truly lies: with her publicist. She has sacked her former trusted spokesman, presumably for giving her the inaccurate advice that it would be okay for Paris to drive at night as long as her headlights were off.

Paris now knows this was wrong, and, as she has acted swiftly in sacking the evildoer who misled her, she thinks it is “cruel and unwarranted” for her to be locked up in an institution that features such an uninspired clothing range and bland dining menu.

Mayhem On Streets Of Brussels

Prosecutors To Go Easy On Speeding Drivers

Newly installed radar traps in Brussels have caught so many speeding drivers that prosecutors have asked police to let off all but the worst offenders. Buoyed by their success in this matter, and looking for even more leisure time, prosecutors have now asked that robbers who net less than one million euros and non-multiple murderers be let off with a stern warning.

Paris Hilton Jailed: Celebrity Industry In Chaos

Paris Hilton Going To Jail For 45 Days

Now that Paris Hilton is going to be out of circulation for 45 days, gossip columnists and celebrity photographers are worried that they could be in for a lean time indeed. For that reason, they are calling on all second-tier wannabees to step up to the plate and do something outrageous. “Do it for Paris,” is their cry.

But what really worries them is that Judge Sauer may have started a trend. What if other judges follow his lead and refuse to let wealthy celebrities buy their way out of trouble? With the celebrity hosts out of the way, their parasites will surely perish. Do we dare to dream?

U.S. Cheaters Need To Lighten Up

U.S. Spouses Cheat Like The French, But Feel Worse

A comparative study of worldwide infidelity patterns reveals that Americans aren’t that different to many other nations in the rate of cheating, but they do differ in how much they beat themselves up over it. You should hear the guilt-relieving excuses commonly used by people from other countries. South Africans, for example, justify their deeds by saying that it is better (i.e., cheaper) than taking a second or third wife.

You can’t argue with that logic. But, if you’re a cheating American, why not do your conscience a favour and use this fabulous piece of Japanese rationalization: It’s not adultery if you pay for it.

Tourists Fed Up With Glitzy Theme Parks - They Want Reality

Mourning Man Lies In Own Grave, And Waits To Die

That’s the only conclusion that can be drawn from the latest tourist craze to hit India. Hundreds of people are flocking to watch a 103-year-old man who is lying in his own grave, waiting to die. The feisty old gent has mourned his late wife for the past six years, and spends each day in a hole in the ground waiting to join her.

Indian authorities believe they could be onto a real money-spinner, as they have no shortage of old people throughout their populous nation.

Dummies Guide To Teaching

Report Urges More Coordination To Improve Science And Math

The National Science Foundation has created a new plan to improve the teaching of science, technology, engineering, and math in schools. It’s another of those pie-in-the-sky bureaucratic shuffles that will shift a few deckchairs while the quality of education continues to sink.

Look, this just a thought, but maybe if all our teachers based their science courses on actual science texts, rather than a religious book written in the Bronze Age by nomadic Middle Eastern shepherds, our kids would learn stuff that is a bit more useful to themselves and the country.

Love Is Not In The Air For Mile High Club

Affectionate Plane Passenger Convicted

A Californian man has been convicted of a federal felony because he got a little hot and heavy on a plane flight from Los Angeles to Raleigh. What’s going on here? One minute we’re fighting Islamic extremists and the next we’re borrowing their moral code.

If this trend continues, it looks like the Mile-High Club won’t be taking any new members.

Can Frog Juice Make Men Jump Up?

Frog Juice Dubbed 'Peruvian Viagra'

Peruvian men are lining up for a daily beverage that contains, among other ingredients, a freshly blended frog. Dubbed “Peruvian Viagra”, the drink is supposed to cure a range of illnesses like asthma and bronchitis.

But aficionados don’t drink the vile nectar for those reasons. No, the real prize is that men believe it boosts their sex drive. Does it work? Well, sort of. On bright moonlit nights, Peruvian ponds reverberate to the sound of horny Peruvian men searching the cool waters for their perfect mates.

Prostitutes Slash Condoms

After a three-year investigation, ten massage parlor owners in Orange County have been arrested on prostitution charges. The owners are reasonable people and they fully accept those charges. But investigators went too far when they criticized the salons of trying to cut costs by using plastic food wrap in place of condoms.

This is outrageous! What sort of a sorry state are we in when business owners can’t use a bit of creativity to improve their bottom line? This is the kind of lateral thinking that made America great and Thomas Edison a lot of money.

No Laughing Matter

Surgery Ends Tot's Laughing Seizures

Surgery has cured a 3-year-old girl from fits of uncontrollable laughter, followed by crying, kicking and screaming. Her symptoms were caused by a rare type of brain tumor, which was successfully removed. Parents of other children suffering from the same symptoms shouldn’t be alarmed. Most cases can be cured by simply unplugging the television.

Locksmith Harshly Judged By Professionals

Police Call Locksmith To Break Into Jail

German police had to call on the services of a locksmith when the lock on a cell broke, trapping a prisoner inside. Interested observers, many of whom had years of experience in the lock-picking game, judged the so-called professional’s performance as rather amateur.

They claimed he was deficient in speed, over-reliant on modern tools, and simply lacking in artistry. “He’d never get into a bank vault,” quipped a light-fingered oldtimer. “Ya gotta be at one with the tumblers,” observed another sage onlooker.

New-Age Thieves Concerned About Fitness Levels

Naked Man Superglued To Exercise Bike

A gang of thieves who stripped a man and glued him to an exercise bike have been lauded by South African health authorities. “Obviously, stealing is not something that we can condone, but somebody has got to force people to do more exercise,” stated an anonymous health advocate.

Apple Green To Its Core

Steve Jobs promises 'Greener Apple'

Apple CEO Steve Jobs claims his company leads the industry in reducing the amount of toxic chemicals in the environment. The company’s strategy of overpricing its products means that less of them will be purchased, thus leading to less dumping of the highly toxic products in landfills.

Surgeon General Approves: Danger-Sensing Cigarettes Released

Smoking Saves a Life?

A cigarette today saved a woman’s life when it made her go outside for a smoke just moments before an 80-foot tree crashed through her roof. The woman is part of a group trialling a new danger-sensing cigarette that has been created by tobacco companies in an effort to erase their “bad guy” image.

A chemical is being incorporated into the cigarettes that triggers a primitive part of the human brain that allows us to sense imminent danger. Scientists discovered the chemical in ants and other animals that are known to be able to sense oncoming danger, such as storms, earthquakes, and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Crime Doesn't Pay: Bureaucratic Bungle Causes Traffic Snarl

Three men were arrested at a toll booth in New York because they couldn’t pay the $4.50 fee. They actually had $4000 on them, but, unfortunately, it was in the form of illicit drugs.

When will these narrow-minded, dictatorial toll-booth operators start to show some common sense and use a bit of flexibility in what they consider to be legal tender? That was the question on the minds of many of the motorists caught up in the lengthy delay.

Judge Sues His Pants Off - Takes Cleaners To The Cleaners

The $67 Million Pants Washington, DC, Lawyer Sues Dry Cleaners for Lost Trousers

A judge who rates his pants as being worth 67 million dollars is suing a family-run drycleaners for that amount because he claims they lost his beloved pants when he took them in for alterations. Even hardened litigation lawyers think the amount is excessive. “Maybe $67 million for a whole suit, but not just the trousers,” said one high-profile attorney.

The distraught Korean immigrant family who lost the treasured pants can’t understand why one item of clothing is worth more than several small countries, but a U.S. judge’s word is good enough for them. In their own words, “God bless America.”

Leonardo Spinning In Grave To New Tune

Musicians Unlock Mystery Melody In Chapel

Just when we thought we were finally over all that Da Vinci Code crap, someone else decides to unlock another so-called Medieval mystery. A father and son team have produced a piece of music out of a series of carved rectangles found in a Scottish church. Apparently it sounds a lot like “Rock Around the Clock” and features a rollicking bagpipe solo.

So it seems that Leonardo Da Vinci not only invented the helicopter, the tank, solar power, and the calculator, but he also invented rock and roll.

Australian Outback To Claim More Victims On Live Television.

Fat Brit Kids Hunt Australia's Outback And Viewers

Imagine a reality TV show that’s a combination of Survivor, The Biggest Loser, and Super Nanny. Devised by the creators of Big Brother, this potential ratings winner will dump a bunch of fat British kids in Australia’s outback, where they’ll either live or die based on whether they can stomach the local bush produce, which consists mainly of grubs, berries, lizards, and grass.

The British tend to be a whiney lot, so let’s see what happens when spoiled, fat, young Brits have to live on disgusting food while being chased by crocodiles, poisonous snakes and spiders, vicious emus and bad-tempered kangaroos. And, if they make it to the coast, virtually everything that lurks in the ocean spells sudden death.

Crikey, sounds great mate.

American Idol Finalist Has A New Record: Jailhouse Rock

Former 'American Idol' Finalist Arrested

Criminal that is. Jessica Sierra, a top 10 finalist from the 2005 American Idol season, was arrested for allegedly hitting a man on the head with a heavy glass. A confused and under-the-weather Sierra slurred, “I coulda sworn it was Simon Cowell.”

College Tradition Bare-ly Afloat

About 200 Grads Caught Skinny Dipping

About 200 students decided to celebrate graduation at Concordia College by skinny dipping in a murky campus pond. Former students were outraged by the poor turnout. “In my day, you’d be disappointed if 1000 students didn’t get their gear off and run amuck.

I especially liked to freak out old people,” said one former student and current top-rating televangelist. Psychologists are alarmed at this latest example of the ever-increasing prudishness of the nation’s student population.

Inmates Take Swipe At Toilet Paper Cuts

Inmates Take Swipe At Toilet Paper Cuts

Hutchinson Correctional Facility officials have begun limiting inmates to one toilet roll at a time to trim costs. “This stuff doesn’t grow on trees,” stated one official. As supplies dry up, toilet rolls will undoubtedly become the new prison currency. Several suspiciously shaped cakes have already been intercepted by watchful guards who are normally on the lookout for incoming wea pons, drugs, and files.

Prisoners no longer rate their greatest fear as getting stabbed or contracting AIDS; the new number one is a good bout of diarrhea.

Latest Lindsay Lohan Shock

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Tells The Truth

No, it’s got nothing to do with underwear, catfights, or rehab. Lohan has blown the whistle on the whole celebrities vs papa razzi thing. She is the first of her kind to be truthful enough to admit that she actually likes having her photo taken.

Heartbreakingly, she went on to say that, if it stopped, she’d be worried that people no longer cared for her. How will her peers react to these revelations? Will Britney, Paris and Madonna join her in this brave stand? Who cares?

Win – Win For Cancer Non-Sufferer

Students - Where Are Thou? Hook on Othello's?

Video Game Aims To Hook Children On Shakespeare

Children typically spend hours in front of a computer so a Canadian university has decided to introduce them to Shakespeare with a video game. While zapping enemy spaceships players have to help recover the stolen text of Romeo and Juliet by memorizing lines from the famous play, learning facts about Shakespeare's life and devising synonyms and homonyms for parts of the text.

If they really want to hook the kids, maybe they should tryeth to receive an xth rating.

Nude Pyramid Scheme Set To Fail

Photographer Plans Mexico Nude Shoot

Mexico is unlikely to allow U.S. artist Spencer Tunick to stage a massed nude photo shoot at its famous Teotihuacan pyramids, citing possible damage to the ancient site. It seems authorities are worried that Mexico’s ancient gods will be offended by all that naked flesh and bring the pyramids a-tumbling down. It’s good to see that the deities have finally got their act together vis-à-vis offensive behavior after centuries of demanding human sacrifice.

Washington Call Girls To Leave A Massage

D.C. Madam Wants Washington Clients to Testify

Jeane Palfrey, the woman charged with running a high-class Washington, D.C. call girl service, says she plans to call her prominent clients to testify at her trial. Some of these alleged clients include people who led the planning and execution of the war in Iraq. Palfrey obviously wants to know why she’s in trouble for letting these men do the same things to her girls as they have been sanctioned to do to an entire country.

Lawyer Visits Linked To Increased Risk Of Suicide

Guantanamo Lawyers Predict More Suicides

The U.S. Justice Department wants to restrict the access of defense attorneys to Guantanamo Bay detainees. The lawyers claim this will lead to more suicides as their visits are virtually the only contact inmates have with the outside world.

The Justice Department on the other hand says that this claim flies in the face of common sense as everybody knows that increased time spent with a lawyer leads to a greater willingness to take one’s own life.

Malcolm in a Middle

Australia, U.S. behave tyrannically, says ex-PM

Former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser has accused Australia and the U.S. of behaving undemocratically in the detention of alleged militants at Guantanamo Bay. "That our own democracies should be prepared to so abandon the rule of law for an expedient and, as I believe, evil purpose should greatly disturb all of us." Malcolm is getting on a bit in years so maybe somebody should ask him to think back to 1975 and try to recall his underhanded exploitation of the Australian Constitution, which enabled him to overthrow a legitimate, democratically elected Australian government.

Once You Are Flushed In The Google Toilet, There Is Only Down...

Interesting article in Forbes. While they are not an authority in SEO, Page Rank or ranking algorithms, Forbes provides an interesting story of how once you are flushed in the Google toilet, there is only down...

Condemned To Google Hell

Highlights:
1) Skyfacet.com, an online diamond business; Sanar was selling $3 million dollars worth of jewelry a year. Then in September 2006, Skyfacet no longer showed up on the first few pages of Google's results when users typed in search terms like "diamonds" and "engagement ring." The site's traffic vanished, and Sanar says his sales dropped $500,000 in three months.

2) Google's programmers appear to have created the supplemental index with the best intentions. It's designed to lighten the workload of Google's "spider," the algorithm that constantly combs and categorizes the Web's pages. Google uses the index as a holding pen for pages it deems to be of low quality or designed to appear artificially high in search results.

3) In retrospect, Sanar thinks he can trace his problem to a search marketing consultant he had paid $35,000 to improve Skyfacet's Google rankings. He now believes the consultant mistakenly replicated content on many of the site's pages, making them look like duplicate--that is, spam--content. But even after he reversed the consultant's changes, he couldn't get Skyfacet's pages out of Google Hell, where they remain today.

4) In an e-mail, Google product manager Prashanth Koppula offers little more in the way of an explanation. Asked if the supplemental index is getting bigger, he responds that "new pages are constantly being added," but that the "algorithmic nature" of Google's spider makes it hard to measure the index's size or how fast it's growing. That's not a problem, Koppula says, because supplemental results are no less legitimate than normal results, and pages in the supplemental index aren't checked any less frequently by Google's spider.

In summary, on the Internet there is a very small heaven, and a massive hell.

When is Mother's Day?

When is Mother's Day?

Year Mothers Day in the U.S.
2007 13-May
2008 11-May
2009 10-May
2010 9-May
2011 15-May
2012 13-May
2013 12-May
2014 11-May
2015 10-May
2016 15-May


Year Mothering Sunday in the U.K.
2007 18-Mar
2008 2-Mar
2009 22-Mar
2010 14-Mar
2011 3-Apr
2012 18-Mar
2013 10-Mar
2014 30-Mar
2015 15-Mar
2016 6-Mar